It's almost Christmas!

First things first, I just have to say that this place is full of a lot of sweet girls who really care, and I think that is just wonderful. Thank you all for your kind words and thoughts sent my way. God only knows why we – or anyone else for that matter – are going through this, but I just have to try SO HARD to keep trusting Him. It’s just that, though. It’s so hard. I question Him over and over again. I want to know why we were chosen to go through this. And I want it to be over – NOW, no questions asked. But obviously that is not going to happen soon, and I just have to try to make the best of it.

On to happier things… I have good news! As of Tuesday night I’m done with my Christmas shopping! Well, actually I still have a couple of things to pick up, but they’re for my family’s Christmas, and we’re not having that until the 6th of January, so I have time. And beside that it’s just my BIL and dad, and we know what we’re getting them.
I am so excited about Troy’s presents! He is seriously so easy to buy for – he’s interested in so many different things, and, really, he’s just a big kid at heart. :) So every year I have a hard time deciding what NOT to get him. I’ll have to tell you girls about it after Christmas, just in case he reads this before then. He just might be the one to come here looking for clues! :) So yeah, we’re doing our little Christmas together – just the 2 of us – tomorrow, complete with gift opening and a fancy dinner and a Christmas movie. Should be lots of fun. Then Sunday morning is our program at church, with the play, and then we’ll go to our candlelight service in the evening, and then to Troy’s parents for stockings. Then Monday morning we’ll go back out there to open gifts and have dinner and just hang out together as a family. It’s always lots of fun – and no stress, because there’s no kids on his side yet, and no pressure on us since they know our situation. Thank God.

Well, I truly hope you ladies have the most wonderfulest of Christmases! You all deserve it! I probably won’t be around much next week because I’ll be extremely busy since it’s a short week and I have payroll to run, and my boss will be gone, and the other lady whose backup I am will be on vacation too. Is that enough to do? :) Hopefully I can still find time to check in though. Hugs to you all!

Disappointment. Again. Ugh.

I had a rough weekend. Saturday started by my temp dropping and me getting my period. I had tried so hard not to get my hopes up this cycle, but somewhere between ovulation (which DID for sure happen, btw) and when AF showed, I had let it happen. I was devastated. I don’t know if it was because of Christmas, or because after this we’ll only have 2 or 3 cycles of clomid left to try, or exactly why, but for some reason this cycle has been the hardest yet. I just can’t pick myself up. I know that there is a reason for this. I know that we’ll have our family someday. I know that me stressing about it isn’t going to help matters any. But I can’t help it. It just hurts so much. I’ve been so guarded about getting too down about things, trying my hardest to keep a happy face on… but I just don’t really want to anymore. I hurt, and I don’t want to have to act like everything’s just peachy when it’s really, really not. But I don’t like not being happy. I love to laugh, to enjoy life, to count my blessings… but when I just don’t feel like doing those things, that alone makes me feel even more depressed. See the vicious cycle here?
Troy and I decided that I would take a month off of clomid this time around, just to give my body a break, and also because of the money - being around Christmas the budget is a little tighter. I was ready for a break, and yet of course part of me doesn’t want to because of the feeling that we’re wasting precious time. But in all honesty, part of the urgency is gone now that I know we won’t conceive before the end of the year, and we won’t have a special “gift” for the grandparents at Christmas. Sounds kind of silly, but I really was hoping to be pg by the end of the year. I don’t know why it made a difference, but it really did in my mind.
So anyway, our plan now is to take this month off, and then we’ll do our last 2 to 3 (depending on what the Dr says) cycles of clomid, which will take us to March or April, and then wait till May when Troy’s done with school and start seeing the specialist. After we see them, our plan is to see what our options are at that point, and then we’ll decide from there how far we want to take this whole thing/how long we want to keep trying. By July we’ll have been trying for 2 years, and I think, for as tired as I am of this already, I’ll be more than ready to be done with all of it before too long.
Pray for us, please girls? I’m afraid this Christmas isn’t going to be too easy. We’ll be okay, I know we will. But in the meantime, it just hurts.

A hurlde crossed!

Just a quick note to say that I just got a call from Troy and he just finished his last 2 finals for the semester!! Now only one semester left! YAY!!! And yay that I get my hubby for a whole 3 weeks till he starts next semester!
This weekend will be busy, busy with a play practice (we're in our church's kids' Christmas program this year - as the parents, ha ha) Saturday AM, then dinner with my sister, BIL, brother, and SIL, for BIL's and SIL's b-days, which should be fun.... and as much shopping as we can squeeze into any free time we might have! Wish me luck - I need all I can get!

Update and a confession

Well, I had this serious downer of a post all typed up, and just decided I didn’t want to post it, because I know I would come off as all depressed and it seems like I always blog here about the bad things that happen infertility-wise. I’ll just summarize it by saying that last night I had a hard night. Chalk it up to another learning experience. I just wish I didn’t get so dang emotional when people (especially people I don’t even know) ask me if we’re going to start trying soon. (And yes, if you hadn’t guessed, that’s what happened.) It led to a very awkward night, and a very sad me. But it’s over now, and I’m feeling better – emotionally, anyway.
Everything else has been pretty peachy. I’ve been kind of sick since Sunday, some nasty stomach bug that’s going around. Stayed home from work on Monday, which was good – I slept most of the day, but now I’m even busier at work this week. Payroll to run, and it’s the end of the year, so there’s more going on in general.
I have a little confession to make. <*whispering* >I still haven’t started my Christmas shopping. Um, yeah. Most people are DONE like a month ago, and I haven’t started yet. Isn’t that TERRIBLE? Troy has been a bad influence on me that way. I used to be so good about getting done early, and then it was like when we got married for awhile he dragged me down with him, and now it’s like role reversals. He’s the one ordering things online 2 months ahead of time. Crazy. So I’m going to be a bit busy this weekend, ha ha. :) And all of my shopping has to be done on the weekends, or evenings, because I don’t have ANY vacation time left this year, so I’ll be working right up until the 22nd. Hopefully we can find most everyone’s gifts pretty easily, and Troy should be easy for me to finish because I know exactly what I’m getting him already. Besides him, it’s just parents, 2 people on each side of the family (we exchange names) and the nieces and nephew, and they’re always easy! :) Maybe some candy canes or something for the youth group, and a couple other little things, but that should be it. Oh, and my family’s Christmas isn’t until the 6th of January, so that will give me a little more time with them.
Oh, and I have Christmas cards, and the postage to put on them, and a rough draft of an update letter to send with them, but haven’t done that yet, either. I’m thinking I might not go to church tonight. As much as I love teaching my little PeeWees, I really desperately need to get some things done. And if I do have anything contagious I’d hate to give it to them.

Take care, ladies, and have a great week!

Body, Mind, Tea & Snow

Not too sure what’s going on in my body these days. Today is cd24, and although I forgot to temp this morning, (I got up late) for the past 3 days it has been hovering right around the 98-mark. At the beginning of this cycle, it was consistently in about the mid- 97’s, then a few days ago it dropped to 97, then came up to 97.3, then 97.9, and it’s been right around 98 since then. Does the drop, and then slight increase indicate ovulation? I’m assuming it does, but it’s just throwing me off because last time I o’d, it really jumped (like 98.6 or something), and didn’t do that this time. I have had slightly sore bbs like last time I o’d, which is a good sign, and if I did, we had good timing. But I’m just nervous that if I DID o, it wasn’t very strong, because of the relatively low temps and slight, rather than strong, side effects this time around. Although, one thing I did notice more this month than any previous was the discomfort from my ovaries being enlarged. I could actually FEEL them by pressing on my abdomen. And they were like that for about 2 to 3 days, and now they feel like they’re back to normal. OH, duh, and the other reason I didn’t know for sure if I did o is because I never got a positive OPK. And I never had EWCM. What the heck? So… not really expecting too much from this cycle, once again. Oh well. One can still hope. And pray. And I’m doing a lot of that. :)

OK, I just remembered this REALLY WEIRD dream that I had last night. The president of the bank where I work’s middle name is Gaylord. Well, I’ve always thought this was really funny (think Meet the Parents), but I hadn’t thought about it for a long time. Well, last night for some reason I had a dream that he made an announcement that he was changing his middle name, and wanted suggestions from all the employees as to what to change it to. Weird, right? So this morning I had to get some papers signed by him, and almost cracked up as I saw him writing his name and remembered my dream! It was all I could do to keep from laughing! Ah, the strange places the mind goes when uninhibited by consciousness!

Last night was our Ladies’ Tea at church, and it went SO well! My sister and I hosted/decorated a table (which I think I already mentioned), so it was a busy, late night for us, but it was just wonderful. The program was done by a musical group from the high school that I went to, and they did very well. Sang a lot of really pretty Christmas songs. Then we had a speaker for a short time, and she shared some great reminders for us to remember what the Christmas season is all about. After the program, we went downstairs for the “Tea” part of it, and it was just so nice. The guys serve the ladies every year, which is just wonderful, and they serve a light dinner and each hostess makes her own dessert for her table. The lights are all turned down low, and there’s lots of candles and so many pretty decorations. I had made the favors for our guests (bracelets), so my sister made the dessert – a cherry cheesecake. Yum! A couple ladies that I work with came, and they both enjoyed it so much. If I get a chance, maybe I’ll post pictures of our table.

This weekend we’re having a snow activity with our Youth group (fun!) and then Troy’s company Christmas party is Saturday night, so we’ll be busy all day on Saturday. And every spare second that Troy has this weekend will be spent studying for finals starting on Monday, so other than our 2 scheduled events, I probably won’t be seeing a whole lot of him. One semester almost down, one left!

Once again, hope everyone is having Happy Fridays and wonderful weekends! Gotta get that Christmas shopping done!

A Big Catch-up Post with a lot of this and that

Wow, I have really been a blogging slacker lately! It’s been so crazy at work I’ve hardly had time to think about it, but I have missed my Nesties! And I’d blog when I get home, but I’ve hardly had time there either… so enough of the excuses, I’ll just jump into an update of what I’ve been up to.
Well, let’s see… our Thanksgiving was great. Spent some time with my grandparents, had lunch there, and then headed back towards home to spend a little time with Troy’s family before the day was over. Then Friday… let’s see, what did I do Friday? Troy had to work for a few hours, and so I got our Christmas tree up and some cleaning/rearranging/decorating done. Since we’ve decided to stay at the place we’re at for now, I wanted to finish putting some things up on the walls since I had been waiting on them in case we moved. Rearranged the bedroom, and I’m really happy with how it turned out. For some reason the way we have it arranged now it seems much roomier than how it was before. And we even added a bookcase! So that pretty much took me all day. Then we went out for dinner at Applebee’s and did a little shopping. Saturday we did some things around the house and saw my brother, SIL and nephew for a little while, and then went out for dinner with some friends to a fabulous Italian restaurant that we had never been to before. Mmmm, their lasagna was SO GOOD! Sunday was the usual, church and dinner with Troy’s parents, then home for Troy to work on homework. Let’s see… this week has been pretty uneventful. Except Wednesday was my 24th birthday. But I had to work, and so did Troy, so we just went out for lunch, and then my sister took me out to dinner, which was really nice. Oh, and my PeeWee class at church sang Happy Birthday to me, and my assistant brought in a cake with a candle on it. :) It was special! I did get some fun gifts. Troy’s parents got me… are you ready for this?... a telescope! Troy and I had been looking at them a few months ago, and I had told him that I could really get into that, and then I completely forgot about. Well, he didn’t! So when his parents asked him for ideas for me, he told them, and I got my telescope! I’m so excited about it. I’ve only gotten to use it once so far… it’s been cloudy every night, except for Wednesday night it cleared up just long enough for me to get a pretty good look at the moon. SO COOL! Seriously, girls. It’s just awesome. I am SO going to be a self-proclaimed science nerd. I have a lot to learn, but Troy got me some books on stars and such, so I’m going to start doing my research! I’ve always loved looking at stars and the sky, but I’ve never really been able to study them in detail and be knowledgeable about them, and now I’ll be able to! I’m a little excited about it, if you couldn’t tell!
Today’s been a kind of crazy day. We got about 6 inches of snow last night/this morning, so my boss didn’t make it into work, and I almost didn’t have a ride since I carpool with my MIL and she lives out of town. But (unfortunately:) my FIL came in just to give me a ride. That’s okay, as I said before I’ve been crazy busy, so I would have felt a little bad not coming. (Notice, I said, a little :) Oh well. It’s super pretty to look at though!
My sister and I did some shopping last night for our Ladies Christmas Tea coming up at church next week. It’s a neat tradition that we have at our church every year, where we have a special program with Christmas music or a play or something, and then the ladies all decorate a table, based on the same theme, and we have a delicious dinner. It’s a great outreach, since a lot of ladies from the community come out for it, and a lot of fun, too. So tonight I’ll be decorating at church for Christmas. I was thinking last night about how much I just love Christmas! Everything about it, the lights, the special occasions, the giving, the family time, the decorations, the smells… it’s just one of my favorite times of the year. Of course, it’s a little more bitter-sweet this year, because of the whole infertility thing, but I still enjoy it. A lot.
Speaking of the infertility thing… today’s day 17, and nothing yet. I’ve had a little pain during, er, um, the deed, so that makes me think that at least my ovaries are enlarged. But nothing else yet. I had a little breakdown on Wednesday night, thinking about how I’m another year older, and even though I’m only 24, a few years ago, I thought I’d have at least one kid by now. Sometimes I really feel like it doesn’t bother me too much, but then other times, like that night, my heart just hurts so badly. But Troy was just wonderful, and held me and let me cry.
Did any of you see Extreme Makeover Home Edition on Sunday night? The family was Polynesian, and I absolutely fell in love with their little boy. Big brown eyes, like I’ve always imagined Troy’s baby would have. So I hopped on Bethany’s (the agency that my sister and BIL are going through for their China adoption) website, and they have a program in the Philippines that I was very interested in. But the parents have to be at least 27, and I don’t want to wait that long. My sister said that Vietnam allows adoption, too, but Bethany doesn’t have a program there, so I might (possibly?) look into that. I don’t know. I thought I wanted to do domestic, at least for our first, if our first isn’t biological, but seriously, I fell in love with that little boy. We’ll see what happens in the next few months here.
My future SIL (Troy’s brother’s fiancée) asked me to stand up for her in their wedding next July, and I was thinking about how wonderful it would be to be about 7 months pg at that point. Ha! Who else would wish to be pregnant for a wedding? :)
My friend Amanda at work had her baby this morning. I told her I’d go see her, but I’m not looking forward to it. Seeing newborn babies in hospitals kind of gets to me, for obvious reasons. And I don’t want to get all weepy and make a scene. So I hope I can keep it together.
Well, this has been all over the place, but at least I feel like I’m all caught up since the last time I posted. Now I have to catch up on everyone else’s!
Hope you ladies have wonderful weekends!