Bless This Mess

Sometimes my life these days just seems... messy. Next week we have our first home study and so naturally we are scrambling to get last minute projects done around the house (that have been waiting to be done for the last... oh, 3 years or so), and tonight as I was looking around at the mess, all I could do was swallow back the tears - not of frustration, or anxiety, or being overwhelmed (although Heaven knows I have had those feelings many times over our mess!)...tonight, they were tears of gratitude that this is the mess that God has given to me. Er, let me rephrase that. This is the beautiful life that God has given me, that can sometimes be just plain messy. I smiled at the half-a-dozen pairs of shoes piled up at the door...because I love the big and little feet that fill them. The dirty little undies soaking in the half-bath, from yet another accident - yep, those are an indication that I have a little life that I have the privilege of training up. The clean, folded clothes piled up on the coffee table, waiting to be put away from the laundry I did this afternoon during naptime are just another reminder that we are not lacking for much of anything, clothes included. The dishes piled up in the sink are still waiting because I was so busy playing and taking a walk after dinner that I didn't have time to get to them yet. The toys, books, and sippy cups scattered on the floor remind me about all the fun that we had today. And I can overlook the mess on the dining room table from my hubby's latest hobby project because I know that I'm blessed to have a man who is truly passionate about everything he does - hobbies included!
Don't get me wrong. I don't always keep this perspective. My attitude often goes first to grumbling and complaining and ends up with either an angry rampage as I work to get things cleaned up, or an overwhelmed spirit that doesn't even want to try (which, by the way, never gets me anywhere). But tonight, I will do what I can to get things presentable, livable, and clean, with a smile in my heart that I get to have this mess. Because not everyone gets this privilege, and I know I would have given anything to have it 5 years ago.
So God, please just bless this mess!

Love Your Neighbor

Wouldn't you want to go home with one of these little lovelies? It sure is nice to have a reason to have the oven on when it is -10* outside! Brrrrr. I used this recipe and I have to tell you, it is a keeper! The cinnamon-sugar streusel in the middle? Delicious. Little L is a big fan. This Sunday is "Love Your Neighbor Day" at church - and I've been a busy little beaver preparing and planning for the meal and the gifts and the decorations and the flyers and amidst all the busy-ness and hubbub, I've been reminded of the need to ponder some things, and pray over some things, instead of just do them as I'm so often tempted to do. It's nice to invite people to church, yes, and it's nice to try and give them a good experience when they are there. But what's REALLY important is the PEOPLE themselves, not all the other stuff. Just a little reminder for me. If I'm doing all this in an effort to reach more people for Jesus, and I can honestly say that I'm doing what He wants me to to reach them, then that is great, work on! But if I'm hiding behind my busy-work and pretty little projects so that I don't actually have to "get my hands dirty" and truly help broken, needy people come to Jesus, then shame on me. It's hard for me. I don't think I realized until the last couple of years how much I really am an introvert at heart - but that's just it. If I can't become uncomfortable for the cause of Christ, then what kind of follower am I? I'm so thankful He was willing to become uncomfortable for me.  Just some thoughts as I make my banana bread today. Have a delicious weekend, my dears!

Intentional

I've been working on a list, thanks to the help of Pinterest, that I think my husband will be in favor of. Normally he says that Pinterest saps the creativity out of people because all they have to do is look there to see what other people have already thought of instead of come up with the ideas on their own. :P  I can't tell you the number of times he has looked at me as I stand back admiring my latest project/decorating attempt/recipe and said, "Pinterest?" Yep, Pinterest has invaded your life again, Babe. Maybe there's a kernel of truth to what he says? But for not-so-creative people like me, it sure is nice to be able to glean from others' creative juices! ...But I digress. Yes, I think he will like my latest project because it has something directly to do with making his life - or I should say OUR life - better. I hope. Have you heard that word floating around the last couple of years in relation to your relationships/goals/place in life...the word "intentional"? Well, that's what I'm shooting for with this list. See, we've been married for, like, ever. Add a little toddler and a busy ministry to the mix, and let's just say that our time together isn't always...quality. It's not that we don't spend time together. Quite the opposite - we spend A LOT of time together. More than most couples, thanks to the nature of our job and more recently, the hub's health. BUT - most of the time we have together is spent talking "shop" (church stuff) or dealing with the crazy 2 year old or discussing bills or sitting in front of the TV or blah blah blah...you know, the stuff married people talk about/do 99% of the time. I've realized more recently that we don't really take the time to TALK TO each other. Deep stuff, like how we FEEL about things, or what our HOPES and DREAMS and GOALS are. We might discuss how things relate to our daily lives, but we don't really get past the surface much. And that's not really healthy. I think it's mostly my fault, actually, because I tend to be the quieter one of the 2 of us, and I'm not so good about putting my thoughts and feelings out there, even with him. It's not that I'm not comfortable with him, it just takes...effort for me to talk, and so instead I choose to just draw in and, well, NOT talk. And until recently I didn't really realize the problems that could cause. Then one day a few weeks ago, I had a major meltdown because I had been bottling a bunch of things up inside, and all of a sudden it all came out in tears and blubberings and all kinds of ugliness. And my sweet, patient husband helped me through it...but then it hit me, that I do that A LOT. Not so much the crying, blubbering ugly part, but the bottling up part. I just don't talk about things that I'm going through or feeling, and with my husband, the one I'm supposed to be intimately sharing this life with, that's not a good thing. So. Back to my list. I really want to make an effort this year to take time away for the 2 of us - apart from the distraction of a little boy (albeit a fun, sweet distraction), and the job, and all the other stuff - to really connect emotionally and have a chance to TALK about things. Feelings and thoughts and hopes and all that mushy stuff that doesn't get said on a daily basis but needs to come out sometimes. To take our marriage from good - because really, we have a GOOD marriage - to great. From close to closer. From friends to besties. You get the idea. I want to be INTENTIONAL about spending time together to cultivate an atmosphere of openness and sharing with each other - to get back to a closeness that we used to have and just, to my shame, haven't worked much on lately. I miss it. So, enter Pinterest. I've scoured it the last couple of weeks for fun date ideas, and I'm hoping, for Valentine's Day, to take him out...wait, shhhh, don't tell him ok?...To take him out for dinner and give him a brand-new pocket calendar - a special one, just with all of our dates for the year planned  inside of it. Fun, right? Let me just tell you, the planning itself has been enough to get me excited about dating this man again. It just takes me back to our dating days - the planning a special night out together and the anticipation of it and everything. I'm really, really excited about this, and I'm hoping that he realizes how necessary and profitable it will be! I think once he sees some of the things I have planned on there, he will have no problem getting on board. Things like a drive-in movie with a packed picnic and an at-home massage and sporting events and other good stuff like that. I've planned 2 date nights a month - one out, without the boy, and one in the house for after the boy goes to bed, plus a family day once a month for all of us to enjoy together, so that the little guy gets to enjoy some of this intentionality I'm trying to work on, too.
There's always room for improvement, right? Here's to being intentional, and hoping that our marriage will benefit from it! I'm just hoping he doesn't catch on that it was another Pinterest idea. ;)

11 Things Pre-Adoptive Parents Should Know

And we're off! Off to the land of paperwork, home studies, background checks, profile book planning, and waiting, hoping, praying, and waiting...again! Here we go on round #2! It all seems strangely familiar, and yet so different this time around. The hopeful yet guarded excitement, the decisions, the work - all the same as last time. But this time, we have the gift of experience under our belts, for which I am so thankful! So as I think about what I have learned through our one time in the adoption process, I'd like to share 11 lessons that my post-adoptive self would tell my pre-adoptive self going into round 2.

1- RELAX. Does this need explanation? Relax! It's going to be ok. Even if the wait is 3 years - or 3 months!, it is going to be ok. God's got this.
2- Enjoy the time with your family as it is right now, before the big changes come. Because, just like you look back at the time with just the 2 of you with sweet, happy memories, the time you have spent as a family of 3 has been equally precious. Treasure it.
3- Make the experience with the adoption agency what you want it to be. Of course some things can't be changed, but whatever lies in your power to do, do it. Last time one of my big complaints with our agency was lack of communication from them. So you know what I'm going to do this time? Communicate more with them! You better believe they are going to be sick of hearing from me before our time there is up.
4- Don't get bullied into anything by your agency, your family, the adoption community at large, or anyone else! It is your family, your children, your LIFE that you are making decisions for. God calls and gifts and enables each family differently, so if you aren't able to take in that developmentally-delayed, physically aggressive 11-year-old, don't feel guilty about it. And if God has called you to adopt that previously mentioned 11-year-old, then don't let anyone talk you out of it! Do what GOD has called you to do, not what others expect.
5- Pray. Pray, pray, pray. Pray for birth mom and her significant other, her family and her counselors. Pray for that baby's physical and emotional health. Pray for your and hubby's relationship and adjustment to another human in the home demanding all of you. Pray for the time in the hospital/with birth family. Pray for wisdom in your decisions. Pray for God's will to be done and His glory to shine through you every step of the way.
6- Ground yourself in the TRUTH of God's Word. He goes before you. He comforts the hurting. He is the Prince of Peace. He has chosen and adopted YOU and has a heart for the fatherless. He loves what you are doing and is on your side.
7- Be realistic about change and how much work and stress a baby/new person in your family causes. In my idealistic, eternally-optimistic mindset, I just knew that this baby who we had waited, prayed, and cried for for so many years would just come along and fall seamlessly into the rhythm of our childless lives. Needless to say, I had a bit of a rude awakening. Don't be too proud to call out for help when your whole world gets dumped upside down by the sweet little monster. Even from your fertile friends.
8- Plan now for ways to make your hubby feel like he is still the king of the castle after the newest member of the family comes home, because he is going to feel like he has been temporarily displaced from his throne. Planned-ahead or spontaneous at-home date nights, making his favorite meal, or even something as little as picking up a candy bar for him from the store when you are there to buy diapers will communicate that HE is still your world.
9- Be willing to be flexible. I don't struggle with this as much as some more type-A personalities do, but I did have to be willing to let go of what I thought was going to happen on more than one occasion. From meeting places to birth parent backgrounds to choosing names to the openness of the relationship...the list goes on and on of the need for flexibility in this process. We actually had a social worker ask us - as we were signing papers at the hospital - to change our openness plan that we had with the birthparents all along! Talk about a curve-ball. Stand up for what is truly important to you, and let the rest go.
10- Be prepared to feel guilt after you bring the baby home. Know that some guilt is normal, but don't let yourself be eaten up by it. No one told me this or prepared me for the intensity of this feeling for our birth mom after bringing our little one home. You will be going home with the baby that she carried for 40 weeks, not to mention labored over, delivered, and then handed over to you - more than likely in tears. She is emotionally invested. But so are you. And that is ok. Just don't let your guilt feelings overshadow your enjoyment of the precious first minutes and days of getting to know this little one. You can never get the time back.
 11- And best of all, this time, knowing the AWESOME kiddo and SO.MUCH.JOY that was at the end of all of that uncertainty and waiting the first time around, remember, there will be another incredible little hand-picked-by-God-for-you little one! Maybe not how or when you expect, but you can have hope and all the confidence in the world that it WILL happen. God is in this!

So, I push forward through the work with a little smile always bubbling under the surface, a happy song in my heart, and HOPE. We're coming, baby #2! And we can't wait to meet you!

How about you, my fellow adoptive mamas? Anything you would add?

P...P...Patience

I had a hard time getting that word out. It's not that I hate the word...I just... hate the exercise. And yet, over and over and over again, I find myself at a place all too familiar, one of needing to exercise it. A place of waiting.  Waiting on people...waiting on answers...waiting on my 2 year old to put his toys away...waiting at stoplights...waiting at the Dr's office or the DMV...currently in our house, waiting for life to return to "normal" after a major health problem. Whether waiting on big things or little things, it seems most of my life is spent in that place I really don't like to be. But, if God is in the details of my life (which I truly believe Him to be!), then obviously He MUST see this waiting time as valuable, because He has me do it so often! Truth be told, I KNOW He sees it as valuable. He allowed many others ahead of me to wait years and years for things. Noah worked and waited 100 years to finish the ark. Abraham and Sarah waited for years for their son and God's promise to be fulfilled. David was promised the Israelite kingdom but had to wait years until Saul was off the scene, much of that time on the run for his life. The Israelites waited 40 years in the wilderness, and then later, hundreds and hundreds of years for their Messiah to come. Jesus waited 33 years to finish the one thing He came to accomplish on earth. Paul waited in prison. I'm in good company, aren't I?!
All of these waiting times that could seem like, from a human perspective... a waste of time, and yet, it's obvious that God sees them as valuable or He wouldn't have ordained them.
So I turn to the only place I need to go when I have questions about all the big and little things in life. And there I find A LOT about waiting...

Psalm 37:7 "Rest in the Lord and WAIT PATIENTLY for Him..."

Isaiah 40:31 - "They that WAIT upon the Lord shall renew their strength..."

Romans 5:3-5 - "...but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh PATIENCE; and PATIENCE, experience; and experience, hope: and hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us."

Hebrews 12:1 - "...let us run with PATIENCE the race that is set before us..."

James 1:3-4 - "...the trying of your faith worketh PATIENCE. But let PATIENCE have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing."

And so I am reminded once again that God, in His perfect way that only He can, takes something like a simple, mundane "waste of time" waiting period and makes something beautiful out of it...Perfect. Entire. Wanting {lacking} nothing... That's why God sees it as valuable. Because if the chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever, then anything that brings me closer to Him and makes me look a little more like Him is precious.

Hopefully, what is produced at the end of all of this waiting is a more beautiful, a more Christ-like, a more patient version of me. And that makes the waiting worth-while.

"Ponder"

It's been a long time, friends. But as the fresh slate of this brand new year lies ahead of me, I keep coming back to a word that struck me in my reading of the Christmas passage last month.

"But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart." (Luke 2:19)

Ponder.

By definition: think about something carefully, especially before making a decision or reaching a conclusion. That verse keeps rolling around in my mind, even weeks later. I am beginning to realize that all too often, I am way too busy doing, and not doing enough thinking. I tend to be one who just does. Don't feel too much, don't say too much, don't think too much, just DO. Go through the motions. Smile when appropriate. Talk about this and that and the other thing. Take care of the husband and child. Just do. And although that can have it's benefit in some aspects and seasons of life, I am realizing that I am missing out. I need to take the time to pause long enough to just think - to ponder - and let God teach me through my life experiences instead of just moving on to the next thing so that I appear to have it all together.

So, here I am. Ready to pick up the "pencil" and take some time to jot down my thoughts. So get ready to hear more from me.

I am pondering. :)

An Update for My Blog World Friends...

{Sara, Jessica, Amanda!} ...not sure if any of you will check back here, but I feel like I owe it to you for checking in on me for the longest time, because I still think about you all from time to time and love to peek in on your blogs and see how your lives are going, so I thought maybe you would like to know...

Our son Lukas arrived in March! We had the awesome opportunity to be at the hospital when he was born, and met him just a few minutes after. He has amazing birth parents who we have so much love and respect for. What a gift this little boy is! He is the light of our lives and we are SO thankful for the privilege of being his parents. Everything was finalized last week in court, and what a sweet day that was!

Here we are with our social worker after court on Friday. And another one of him last week with our furry baby. :)

Cutest litte thing ever, no?! :) Seriously, every day I thank God for the blessing of being this little boy's mom. After such a long wait, every day feels like an undeserved gift. I would love to share the whole story, and someday I might, but it was so amazing how every little detail of his becoming ours was God-orchestrated. Not a doubt in my mind that it was worth every second of the wait to have him!