A huge long post with an update and some thoughts that have been lurking around in my head the past couple of weeks... (how's that for a title? :)

It's snowing outside - big, soft, pretty flakes that make me want to listen to Christmas carols and drink hot chocolate as we decorate our Christmas tree. I can't believe that Christmas is already less than a month away... and I'm not even worried that I haven't started shopping yet - I'm just excited that we'll be going home to see family again. How fun that will be!!
My heart is so full as I type this post - I hardly know where to start - so I guess I'll just jump right in with an update on how we're doing. My parents came to visit this last weekend - it was the first time they'd been here, and it was so good to see them and show them around our new "home" and give them a glimpse of what our lives are like now. They loved the church and were so happy to see how the people here have taken us in with open arms - and it was so good to spend time with my mom again and get lots of hugs! My mom's hugs are one of the things that I think I miss most since moving. No one else is quite like your mom, you know? So that was just wonderful.
This Thanksgiving was our very first on our own away from family - so I made my very first Turkey and all the fixin's! Thank the Lord everything turned out very well! It was so much fun - felt a little bit like playing house again. We had tons of food, so of course now we have loads of leftovers, but I'm glad we did it none-the-less. I want to start making our own traditions, you know? We realized that Thanksgiving was Troy's first full day off since moving here, so we wanted to make the most of it - and we had a wonderful, relaxing day watching the parade, eating our dinner, and then of course watching the Packers beat the Lions... that made a good day even better! It did feel a little odd that we didn't see either of our families at all (my parents got in on Friday) - since that's all we've known for holidays - but in a strange way it felt good, knowing that we're out on our own, where God wants us to be. I guess it's kind of hard to describe if you've never done it, but I don't know... it feels... fulfilling, somehow. Anyway.
The weekend before that my brother and SIL and nephew came to visit - and that was lots of fun, too - my nephew is 15 months now, and he's just as cute as ever. What a fun age! He's walking, dancing, starting to talk, and into absolutely everything - including the cats! Unfortunatley my cats weren't too crazy about him, and before the weekend was over he was "hissing" back at them when they'd hiss at him! Ha ha ha!!! It was SO cute! He'd wrinkle up his nose and make this funny sound through it... priceless!
It's funny, because as I'm sure we've all heard at one time or another, parents tell us that if we spent a weekend with their kids we'd never want our own... and yet, after last weekend, we were left wanting one even more. Seriously, who wouldn't want that added dimension to their lives? How could you not desire that? I'll never understand it.
The adoption process is coming slowly for us. We sent in the initial application and now we're working on filling out the preliminary paperwork that we're hoping to have sent in the next couple of weeks. I think it's still kind of hard for me to believe that we're actually doing this... and I don't know if that's just because we haven't really announced it yet, or because we haven't allowed ourselves to jump in headfirst yet because of everything else going on... but it really is going to happen. By the way, I don't think I ever thanked you all for your input on my last post. It is so terribly hard to decide those things... and although it's true that if we had a biological baby with down's syndrome or something like that we wouldn't be able to choose that, I think that is part of the beauty of adoption... that you GET to choose your child. And for us, what it boils down to is the fact that we are going to be in a very busy ministry - we have no doubts that starting a church from scratch is going to be a very challenging and time-consuming work, and as much as we would love to be able to take in a child with special needs, that would without a doubt pull us away from our ministry at the church. If I were married to a man that was not a pastor, and felt that we had the means to provide for a special-needs baby, I would jump at the chance because that alone would be a unique ministry in and of itself. But we're not in that place. And we already have a huge ministry in the church. So with all that being said, we're going to be very careful in choosing... we didn't eliminate all options completely, but - well, we will definitely be praying carefully about each opportunity.
Along the adoption lines... I've been feeling a little bit like... we cheated. Like somehow, even though I know for sure that this is the right thing for us, that we somehow skipped over the worst part of infertility and somehow, that makes us less worthy to start an adoption... and to have hope. Like somehow, because we didn't go through with any major medical procedures or terribly invasive tests, that maybe we didn't hurt quite as badly as some of my fellow infertiles, and because of that I don't have the right to even be called a fellow infertile. Like somehow, despite the fact that we hurt, and cried, and questioned, and felt jealousy over others' pregnancies, and the list goes on, that we didn't do those things quite as deeply as other infertiles have, and somehow, by being able to "skip over" some of that hurt and grieving process, we're cheating by turning to adoption. It's a weird, weird feeling. Because like I said, I have no doubt that adoption IS right for us, and that we're ready to move on from fertility testing and treatments, and that I HAVE grieved for the biological children that we may never have... I don't know. I can't explain it. But I can't help that I do feel that way sometimes. I guess maybe what it comes down to is that I never want to lose the sense of community with fellow infertiles, the understanding that comes only from knowing how another woman is hurting... I don't ever want to forget the lessons we've learned through our journey, and although I am ready to look forward, to embrace the role of a mother... part of me never wants to let go of who I am... as an infertile. And since we moved through the process more quickly than most, maybe that's why I'm feeling this way. I guess I have to take the word of others who are already on "the other side" when they say that it will always be a part of who you are, no matter how many children you may go on to have or what your life becomes. Time will tell. Infertility is such a strange thing, isn't it?