Last day of work...

... and boy, I didn't expect it to be this hard. I'm looking forward to being done with the goodbyes.
Moving is tough. And busy.
...hopefully I'll be able to get a better update on here next week.

"their hearts... being knit together in love"

When Troy and I first got married, I really honestly thought that I loved him SO much then. Well, I did, but at the time, as you can all relate I’m sure, I had a hard time imagining being able to love someone more than I did at that moment. I heard that your love grows even more the longer you’re together, but, well, I guess I had a little bit of a hard time believing it. I didn’t understand how someone who had been married for much longer could say that they were more in love with their husband than I was with mine, when looking at us, OBVIOUSLY I loved mine more. I loved the way things were. We were giggly, couldn’t keep our hands off each other, and just… having fun.
It’s been four very full years. And we’ve had many, many ups and downs already in those four years. Not within our marriage, but together. You know, life. And there have been times when I thought my heart would explode with love for him, and other times when, frankly, I wasn’t feeling so incredibly loving towards him.
Yesterday something happened. Something between just the two of us… but it was something big. Something absolutely vital to moving forward in our relationship. See, something had happened early on in our marriage that hurt me. And I responded completely in the wrong way. I got angry, and closed myself off to him for a time. It got better with time, as all things do, but was never totally, completely resolved. So since that happened, it was like there was this unwritten, unspoken line that we just didn’t cross. And, even though I didn’t really realize it, it was hindering our relationship. Well, yesterday the line was crossed. And we talked about it. Cried about it together. Hugged, talked, and cried more. And after all was said and done, I can hardly even explain the way our hearts felt knit together. I can HONESTLY say that I’ve never felt closer to my husband. Never have I felt so much love – true love – for him. And the air was so clear between us. There was nothing to keep us at arms’ distance from each other, even though I didn’t realize that it had even been that way until after the fact. And it got me to thinking again, as I have thought before, about love, and how it works in a marriage. As I said before, I’ve heard it said that love grows with a relationship. That “I love you more every day” mentality. But is that really how it works? I mean, really. Every day, are you supposed to “feel” more love towards a person? From our relationship so far, and from what I’ve observed, there are times in a relationship when yes, things are wonderful and feel so good and everything is love and roses. But then, there are other times when that dies down a bit, and things aren’t necessarily so peachy… but after you’ve gone through a time like that, stuck it out, and looking back at it from the other side, you realize that NOW you love that person so much more than what you did before. And the feelings that come along with that are amazing. There’s kind of an ebb and flow. Not in a bad way, though. Because it might take the lower times to make the higher times that much higher. I don’t know if I’m making any sense at all, but I guess just going through this, and thinking about how absolutely perfect things feel right now, and thinking about the past, as well as wondering about the future, I’m coming to the conclusion that it’s not so much an “I love you so much more today than I did yesterday” thing, but more importantly it’s that underlying commitment that, no matter what, good times, bad times, happy times, sad times, etc etc etc, you’re going to keep loving them. Whether you feel especially like it or not.
I don’t know, maybe this is old news to someone who’s been married a lot longer. I guess it’s just that when I’ve heard other people say that their love has grown so much over the years I automatically assumed that meant that they woke up thinking “I love him so much more today than I did yesterday” – when really, that might not be the case… but when you have been together for years and years, and THEN look back at your relationship, you think, “Wow, I love him SO much more than I did back then.”
I was running this thought process past my husband, and he totally agreed with me. And he took it a step farther, and said that a lot of times, that’s how our relationship is with Christ. There are times in our lives when we feel so close to Him. Things are good, He is blessing, and we just feel like things couldn’t be better. And then we go through a tough time. And wonder, is He there? Does He care that I’m going through this? Why doesn’t it feel like He loves me right now? And then, coming out the trial, you can look back and see that He was working in such a real, obvious way the entire time, and then you learn to love and trust Him even more than you did before. It’s amazing to me that the marriage relationship is so much like my walk with God. And a lot of times, the two seem to go hand in hand, like when one relationship isn’t good, the other isn’t so good either. So much of BOTH relationships is about being selfless. Putting God first. Putting my husband’s needs/wants first. And even though so many people say that the only way to true happiness is putting yourself and your desires first, I’m finding that the more I do that, the more miserable I am.
I don’t know. I realize that there is SO much more that I have yet to learn. But my hope and prayer is that I WILL keep on learning these things. About marriage. About God. About myself. About life. And maybe, just maybe, somewhere along the way, I’ll be able to look back and say Wow, I love my God and my husband SO much more now than I did then. And in just the littlest way, that might make me feel like I was doing something right.

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As for somewhat of an update… Troy saw the urologist yesterday (they knew we are moving so they got him in sooner than the original appt on the 27th – so nice), and they are going to have to run some more tests before we have any definitive answers. The Dr didn’t find anything in the exam, but he did have some elevated hormones that might indicate something - something good. So now we’re trying to decide how much we want to do now, and how much we want to just wait until we’re over there and don’t have to run the risk of doing any tests twice. Since the tests are not very fun ones, right now we’re leaning towards the idea of waiting till we’ve moved. Then we also just today started tossing around the idea of starting an adoption as soon as we can after we’ve moved, and then maybe after we had that baby, pursue fertility treatments again. So much to think about. And we’ve only got 2 weeks left here. Crazy. I couldn’t have imagined my life being this way 5 years ago. I mean, this is the stuff adults deal with. Moving. Infertiltiy. Ministry. Change. Deeper relationships. I’m not an adult, am I? Really? When did that happen?

We have an address!

...and the packing has officially commenced! I got the first two boxes packed last night! The search this weekend went very smoothly, which we were so incredibly thankful for, since we ended up arriving later than we had originally intended to. So we had a 3 1/2 hour window to find something on Saturday afternoon. Exciting, right? Well, I began to think it was going to be stressful, especially when we showed them the apartments we had found online and they didn't think that the areas that they were in were the best neighborhoods. But they did mention that they thought the apartment across the hall from their daughter and son-in-law was still available (it had just been moved out of when we were there in June)... so would we be interested in that? And of course we were, so we took a look, and liked it immediately. It's nothing fancy, just a small one bedroom apartment, but the price was beautiful (which really has a lot to do with our decision right now!), and we knew that we'd have at least one set of good neighbors. :) So we wanted to check out one other place down the street from that, and when we got there we discovered that it was very comparable in size and everything else, but was more expensive and didn't have a dishwasher (and the first one did). So Troy and I decided that we really didn't think we'd find anything else for as good a price as the first one, and since we really liked the idea of getting to know R and J better, we decided to go with it. So we filled out the application and other paperwork and yesterday the landlady called to let us know that we were approved. So, we have a home!
While we were over there this last weekend it really started to become more real to us that this was really going to happen and that, unlike that weekend, in a few weeks we wouldn't be going "home." We will BE home. It's kind of a strange feeling when you've lived in one place your entire life and are trying to grasp the idea of a completely unfamiliar place being home. It's kind of sad. And hard. All the familiarity will be gone. The comfort. The carefree lifestyle of NOT being "Pastor Troy" and "Mrs. B", but just Troy and Cherie. The closeness of family. And add to that the decision to start an adoption, and we're going to start feeling like we don't know who we are anymore! It will be strange, but good. Every time we visit the church there we just feel so very blessed by the people in it. We know that God is doing this thing in our lives, and are confident that "He who began a good work... will complete it" in us. And, you know, I have to look at the bright side and say that the convenience of shopping will be wonderful! We live in smalltown, USA right now, so the nearest Target, or even Walmart, is a good 30-35 minute drive away. When we move, we'll probaby be able to pass at least 10 Walmarts/Targets in a 30-35 minute drive from our apartment. Crazy. So that part will be fun. We're already looking forward to people coming to visit, and I'm also hoping to get in touch with a cousin of mine who lives in the area who I haven't talked to in probably at least 10 years. And of course the ministry. We are so looking forward to being able to pour ourselves into a ministry, as well as just watch, grow, and learn from the people that will be over us there. It's exciting. I'm so looking forward to seeing Troy thrive in a position like the one he will have there as well. He's been waiting almost his whole life for this opportunity, and God has been using so many things in his life to prepare him for it. I can't wait to see what He is going to do through my husband.
Aaaghh! Less than 3 weeks!

An anniversary to remember

So yesterday was #4 for Troy and I. I can hardly believe it’s been 4 years already… and yet, at the same time, SO much has happened in those 4 years that it almost seems like it’s been longer. But this anniversary was definitely a memorable one. We had our follow up appointment with the RE, and, well, basically the news wasn’t good.
My eggs are fine. If we could get them to come out of my ovaries, then we’d be good to go. They said the only problem they really found with me was that I have the insulin resistance thing going on, which is probably the cause of my hormones being out of whack. And the metformin should hopefully take care of that. So I have to keep taking that regularly and hopefully my cycles will regulate. The news about Troy wasn’t as good. He still has to see the urologist, which is set up for the 27th, but even after that, they told us that we’re probably looking at IVF to be our best/only option. Previous to yesterday's appointment, we had already decided that due to money and other reasons, we really don’t want to mess with IVF. So yesterday, on our 4th anniversary, we basically had to come to terms with the fact that we might not ever have biological children. And now you can understand why it was one that we won’t soon forget.
But strangely enough… we’re okay with it. I know it is nothing short of the grace of God that has made me able to accept this news without even shedding a tear… but even though it’s not totally sure yet, I feel like this way, after we see the urologist, we can have the closure that we need to move forward. I have no idea why God has chosen to work this way in our lives, but really, I have no doubts that God IS working through this. And I do know that I am very excited at the prospective idea of adoption, and already we’re talking about some of the many things that we will need to think about and discuss before all is said and done. We’re excited. At peace. God is good.

As for our vacation, it was wonderful. I don’t have pictures here, but hopefully next week I’ll be able to post some. We forgot our camera in Phoenix, so we ended up buying a new one in Denver because I couldn’t possibly have NOT taken pictures while we were in the mountains. It was SO beautiful. We went up to Pike’s Peak, which was absolutely amazing, and went into downtown Denver, went shopping, went to Garden of the Gods and did some hiking around there… and did a lot of relaxing, swimming, watching tv…you know, vacationy type things. It was wonderful, it really was. Just what we needed. And this afternoon we’re headed to Indiana – we’re going to meet up with some friends and stay in Ft. Wayne for the night, and then head to MI tomorrow to HOPEFULLY find a place to live. We’ll only have Saturday afternoon/evening to find a place, so I’d appreciate any prayers I can get that we will be able to find a place.

And that’s all I have time for. Duty calls… I’ve been gone from work for a week… my desk has lots of little piles that are calling me. Happy Friday ladies!