Thoughts

Where oh where to start? Guess I'll just jump right in with some thoughts that have been bouncing around in my head regarding the adoption, in light of my sister's pregnancy and another friend announcing a pregnancy. (I still need this place as my "release" for my infertile thoughts, I guess. Funny, cause I've really been thinking about things less since we've committed to the adoption, but I def still think about them... and now that I don't have this outlet, I feel like things are getting bottled up, even though I still have my husband and my sister. I miss you girls. *tear*) Now where was I? Oh yeah, so we sent in our preliminary application with the first fee so that they can do the background checks and all that on us, and with that being done, and my sister arming me with a whole library of adoption reading (most recent read is Raising Adopted Children by Lois Ruskai Melina - which I'd definitely recommend! Oh, and some sweet anonymous person sent me a free subscription to Adoptive Families magazine! Wow! Love it!) So in light of these developments, lately I've been thinking about the whole pregnancy vs. adoption thing, not that there needs to be a comparison, but you know, when you can't have one, you kind of tend to compare these things. Sheesh, what's with the rabbit trails tonight? Guess that's what happens when it's been so long! :) So anyway - as I'm thinking about this, I started feeling bad again about missing out on the whole pregnancy experience. And as I'm sitting there feeling sorry for myself, I start analyzing why exactly it is that I'm feeling badly about this. I mean, I really think I CAN go without the whole pregnancy/birthing experience, I mean REALLY, I don't think I mind not having morning sickness and sore boobs and crazy hormones and weight gain and all that fun :), I'm really okay with that. I'm even okay with not ever being able to have a positive pregnancy test, with never feeling that first "flutter" of feeling my little baby inside me, never being able to let my husband feel a kick for the first time, or see a combination of the two of us in a sweet little face. I've come to terms with all of that, and I'm okay with it. Really.
What I really think that I'm missing now is just the... "normalness" of all of it. I'm missing the absolute time-frame of everything, where you KNOW that bada-bing, bada-boom, nine months later out pops a baby. I'm missing expectancy of it - KNOWING that my husband and I are going to be parents soon, and being able to announce it as such. I'm missing having other people be as excited as we are about the FACT that we will be parents soon. I'm missing having the constant reminder of it in front of me (literally!), and hearing sweet comments from strangers that I'm going to be a mommy soon - the way I feel when I see a pregnant girl - all the warm, fuzzy feelings of excitement and congratulations and questions of a due date and how they're feeling and... and, I don't know. Does this make any sense? Cause in my head it does, but I guess now that I get it all out in the open it doesn't seem quite as valid.
Troy says that things will get better when we get into it a little farther, when we're closer to it and people will recognize that we really, truly are going to be parents through this. Since, you know, we'll be talking about it so much that they won't have a choice but remember it. :) But I want that now! I want the simplicity of just.being.pregnant.
I guess I really just want to communicate that I am SO excited about the prospect of adoption and ALL that goes along with it, but I wish that other people got as excited about it as they do about pregnancy, and treated it as such. I don't mean to complain. I'm more than content... I'm elated, knowing that we will get the privilege of being a part of the adoption community, which is a special thing that not everyone does, and that we will get to see God working in our lives in this way. I know that in the end we'll have a baby, that we'll be parents, and even have a richer understanding of what that means and what a huge blessing it is...
but if I'm perfectly, blatantly honest, I wish some things about adoption could be different.