11 Things Pre-Adoptive Parents Should Know

And we're off! Off to the land of paperwork, home studies, background checks, profile book planning, and waiting, hoping, praying, and waiting...again! Here we go on round #2! It all seems strangely familiar, and yet so different this time around. The hopeful yet guarded excitement, the decisions, the work - all the same as last time. But this time, we have the gift of experience under our belts, for which I am so thankful! So as I think about what I have learned through our one time in the adoption process, I'd like to share 11 lessons that my post-adoptive self would tell my pre-adoptive self going into round 2.

1- RELAX. Does this need explanation? Relax! It's going to be ok. Even if the wait is 3 years - or 3 months!, it is going to be ok. God's got this.
2- Enjoy the time with your family as it is right now, before the big changes come. Because, just like you look back at the time with just the 2 of you with sweet, happy memories, the time you have spent as a family of 3 has been equally precious. Treasure it.
3- Make the experience with the adoption agency what you want it to be. Of course some things can't be changed, but whatever lies in your power to do, do it. Last time one of my big complaints with our agency was lack of communication from them. So you know what I'm going to do this time? Communicate more with them! You better believe they are going to be sick of hearing from me before our time there is up.
4- Don't get bullied into anything by your agency, your family, the adoption community at large, or anyone else! It is your family, your children, your LIFE that you are making decisions for. God calls and gifts and enables each family differently, so if you aren't able to take in that developmentally-delayed, physically aggressive 11-year-old, don't feel guilty about it. And if God has called you to adopt that previously mentioned 11-year-old, then don't let anyone talk you out of it! Do what GOD has called you to do, not what others expect.
5- Pray. Pray, pray, pray. Pray for birth mom and her significant other, her family and her counselors. Pray for that baby's physical and emotional health. Pray for your and hubby's relationship and adjustment to another human in the home demanding all of you. Pray for the time in the hospital/with birth family. Pray for wisdom in your decisions. Pray for God's will to be done and His glory to shine through you every step of the way.
6- Ground yourself in the TRUTH of God's Word. He goes before you. He comforts the hurting. He is the Prince of Peace. He has chosen and adopted YOU and has a heart for the fatherless. He loves what you are doing and is on your side.
7- Be realistic about change and how much work and stress a baby/new person in your family causes. In my idealistic, eternally-optimistic mindset, I just knew that this baby who we had waited, prayed, and cried for for so many years would just come along and fall seamlessly into the rhythm of our childless lives. Needless to say, I had a bit of a rude awakening. Don't be too proud to call out for help when your whole world gets dumped upside down by the sweet little monster. Even from your fertile friends.
8- Plan now for ways to make your hubby feel like he is still the king of the castle after the newest member of the family comes home, because he is going to feel like he has been temporarily displaced from his throne. Planned-ahead or spontaneous at-home date nights, making his favorite meal, or even something as little as picking up a candy bar for him from the store when you are there to buy diapers will communicate that HE is still your world.
9- Be willing to be flexible. I don't struggle with this as much as some more type-A personalities do, but I did have to be willing to let go of what I thought was going to happen on more than one occasion. From meeting places to birth parent backgrounds to choosing names to the openness of the relationship...the list goes on and on of the need for flexibility in this process. We actually had a social worker ask us - as we were signing papers at the hospital - to change our openness plan that we had with the birthparents all along! Talk about a curve-ball. Stand up for what is truly important to you, and let the rest go.
10- Be prepared to feel guilt after you bring the baby home. Know that some guilt is normal, but don't let yourself be eaten up by it. No one told me this or prepared me for the intensity of this feeling for our birth mom after bringing our little one home. You will be going home with the baby that she carried for 40 weeks, not to mention labored over, delivered, and then handed over to you - more than likely in tears. She is emotionally invested. But so are you. And that is ok. Just don't let your guilt feelings overshadow your enjoyment of the precious first minutes and days of getting to know this little one. You can never get the time back.
 11- And best of all, this time, knowing the AWESOME kiddo and SO.MUCH.JOY that was at the end of all of that uncertainty and waiting the first time around, remember, there will be another incredible little hand-picked-by-God-for-you little one! Maybe not how or when you expect, but you can have hope and all the confidence in the world that it WILL happen. God is in this!

So, I push forward through the work with a little smile always bubbling under the surface, a happy song in my heart, and HOPE. We're coming, baby #2! And we can't wait to meet you!

How about you, my fellow adoptive mamas? Anything you would add?